My Face for the World to See (Part II):
The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly
a fiction


November 11 - 20, 2002

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Wednesday, 20 November 2002 (tape hiss makes me happy)
5:04pm


Although sometimes I think that Phil Ochs had a point across the board about marching (and The Great Overshadowing certainly proved he had liberals down pat, considering how many otherwise progressive people suddenly started waving the flag), I'm going to a march and vigil tonight for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It seems the right thing to do.

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Tuesday, 19 November 2002 (before top dead center)
10:52am


While I have no doubt that it was the biggest shower in years, you couldn't tell by looking, not out here on the Pacific Ocean. There were no clouds, but the nearly full moon setting over the ocean made the 2am sky a light, almost starless blue. It was beautiful in and of itself, but the timing couldn't have been worse. Oh well. It's the second law of naked-eye astronomy in action: if something interesting happens in your area, you won't be to view it. (The first rule is that if something interesting happens, it'll be somewhere else.)

According to The Village Voice, in 8 Mile Eminem actually defends queers. (Yes, I know the movie's fictional. That's what apologists say about his music when need be, too. Kinda reminds me of the defenses of the Bible. It's all the divine word of Gawd—except, of course, the parts which aren't supposed to be taken literally. Divine metaphor. How convenient.) Hell, he's probably one of them. I'll bet he takes it up the ass. Fucking fag.

sometime after midnight

kittypr0n (finally?) had its goth club debut tonight at Smoke and Mirrors. It seemed to go over well.

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Monday, 18 November 2002 (be little with me)
1:49pm


Written in my notebook last night:
We were at K-Mart the other day (I'm glad I'm (mature? realistic?) enough not to be ashamed to shop there there now and again) when I saw a sign advertising seasonal employment. Boy, the thoughts that went through my head from that one, such as, "Well, Joe Donohoe is a cab driver, surely a much gnarlier and more dangerous job, and look at all the great material he gets out of it." I'm not sure I'm ready to work a K-Mart xmas just for my art, though. Even if it does promise great benefits.
There was lots of other stuff, too.

9:30pm

Like this, for example, all written while leaning up against the stage:

My gosh, but this place looks different without the beanbag chairs. I don't know, the proportions are just different.

So bringing the book along was a tactical error. I see that now. Call it a habit which is incredibly hard to break.

Haven't seen Chupa. I'm not expecting I will. Embeth will presumably be here, and I suppose Leni and Yen are safe bets, too. Well, rumor has it I'm hard to miss. And I'm feeling extra conspicuous tonight. It seems like I can never...quite...get it.

I've taken my glasses off, and I don't expect I'll be putting them back on. This isn't about seeing, and I'm usually seen first. Maddy will be watching from home. I hope she sees me, but I'm not holding my breath.

The Costco garage is closed Sunday and Monday nights. Well, now I know.

The security and patdown was more intense than I recall from last year. The guy ahead of me got a full patdown, whereas I wasn't touched, though my lunchbox was thoroughly searched, down to the Penguin Mints being inspected. Twice. I didn't take it personally. (See? I'm improving.)

In a lot of ways, just watching from home doesn't sound half bad. I could even run it through the teevee.

There was a banner on the People Like Us site which has felt relevant the last few days. The picture was of a destitute woman and child, and it said "We're starving, and you're spending $50 a month on DSL. Asshole." Truer words, I tell ya. I am pretty goddamned privileged, even (especially?) now.

I wish I could justify buying a Stars of the Lid "Audrey Horne Lookalike Contest" shirt, but I can't. I'll have to be satisfied just knowing they exist. Sometimes I simply have to be satisfied that I exist. That cogit ergo summing along is its own reward, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.

2003. That's the year. It must be.

(maybe she'd also like someone to talk to? y'think?)

Fake. A genuine counterfeit. That's me.

In Chinese, the word "crisis" is synonymous with "a blank page."

For the first time in years, I feel like I'm not defined by my work. I'd like to think that would be the case even if I weren't unemployed.

You can't miss me up here, even if I tried. (Or you.)

Y'know, at least spoken word shows generally start on time.

Tomorrow morning, my blood gets tested. When I go see my endoc in a few weeks she'll tell me what I am.

My resentment of my old endoc is with me still.

I look at Michael Jackson and I feel sorry for him. Not in a derisive way, but genuine sympathy. I recently read his "autobiography" Moonwalk, and while it may well be one of the most substance-free books I've ever read, it's hard not to feel like he got a bum deal early on, even if it did lead to fame and fortune on an unprecedented scale for a while. He is, ultimately, what the public made him, and it ain't pretty. The swine build and up tear down.

Y'know, I'm glad I came on the night which promises to be mostly guys fiddling with knobs. That seems to be my favorite musical genre. (at your farthest you're still closer than me)

Sometimes I want to apologize to Nicole and Amber for this world. It's not my fault, but still, I was here first, so I feel kinda responsible.

The first three of the four acts playing tonight have been used on kittypr0n, yet the fourth is the only one from whom we've gotten permission.

did you ever consider that things will probably get worse?

"You work at Rasputin's, right?" At least, I think he said Rasputin's.

I did eventually see Chupa, as well as getting tacit approval from one of the guys in Stars of the Lid to use their music. At least, when I told him we'd used one of their songs, he didn't seem upset. Although it saddened me a little when he told me the piece in question ("Requiem for Dying Mothers Part 2") has been used quite a bit, in teevee documentaries and such. And here I thought we were being so original.

sometime after midnight

I had planned on getting a good night's sleep tonight, since I didn't get to bed until after three last night and got up relatively early so i could get my bloodwork done. By all rights, I should be in bed right now. But, no. There has to be a fucking meteor shower, and one of the biggest in years at that. Aren't they always the biggest in years?

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Sunday, 17 November 2002 (suspended in light)
3:30pm


Turns out the problem was very much on our end—a $5 dollar line splitter from Radio Shack, which I've probably had since Fresno, is dying. Yikes. Hadn't even crossed my mind. The technician (who didn't show up until quite a bit after 5pm) was very gracious about it, and said he'd write up his report to make it sound like the fault was on their side so we won't be charged. Can't ask for more than that. Especially considering I offered him a soda at one point before realizing we were out (I don't drink 'em, so I don't keep track), which must have seemed like a mean bait and switch. He asked at one point if we were listening to music, and I tried to explain the concept of ambient drone music as best I could. (Troum's Tjukurrpa (Part 2 - Drones), to be precise.) It's not easy.

There's something about waiting all day long which can be very draining; unfortunately, as a result, I wasn't quite up to accepting (e)'s offer to go out. At least with the DSL up and running we were able to listen to, as well as watch on RealVideo, Tarantula Hawk at the Beyond the Pale Festival. It's little things like that which make the modern world tolerable.

I suppose I should also be grateful for the fact that I don't have to see the new Harry Potter movie if I don't want to. It's nice to have that degree of freedom, even if being unaware of its existence isn't an option. I watched CNN Headline News a few times this week, and couldn't help noticing that they were treating the movie—produced and distributed by Warner Bros—as though it were an actual news item. For that matter, commercials in heavy rotation included ads for Time-Life music collections and AOL. If I were some kind of conspiracy nut, I'd wonder if the fact that AOL Time-Warner owns CNN. Nah. That's just silly. (It would almost be like suggesting that between the Gulf of Tonkin and the fact the government even considered Operation Northwoods, one shouldn't discount the possibility that The Great Overshadowing wasn't a total surprise to the Bush administration, and that maybe, just maybe...)

At least NPR has interesting information; for example, with a per-unit cost of eighty-four cents and a stated markup of two thousand percent (which is roughly seventeen dollars, though the retail price is rounded up to the more aesthetically pleasing double sawbuck, twenty dollars), Mattel will have to sell at least twenty thousand units of the disturbingly phallic Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom to be in the black on the item. That's about four hundred thousand consumer dollars, not counting varying state and local taxes and/or potential shipping fees. Somehow, I suspect they'll make it into the black. This is, after all, the most evil time of the year. My Nimbus 2000 money was spent on my ticket for Beyond the Pale tonight, though. I guess the economy will just have to roll on without me.

sometime after midnight

When it's not business hours, the DNA's webcam cycles through all the club's cameras, including security cameras that don't otherwise appear on the webcast. As a result, we've been watching to see what happens to a kittypr0n flyer that someone (not me) left on the bar. (Honest, I didn't put it there. I noticed it when I was leaving after the show ended, and usually grab excess flyers, but didn't pick it up.) Much to our surprise, it's remained there even while the place is being cleaned. I'd like to think it's a good thing that I can appreciate the postmodern surrealness of the situation.

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Saturday, 16 November 2002 (goodbye twentieth century)
10:08am


And, now, the waiting.

Though Barefoot's birthday was on Tuesday, it's being observed today with a big party in Pasadena. I feel a tad guilty for not being there, but when he first told me about it he was very clear that he wouldn't be offended if we couldn't make it. Besides, he probably wouldn't be there for mine.

Actually, if anything, I feel sorry for Nicole, who's going with her grandmother and uncle (which is to say, my mom and Jonco) and is probably going to feel out of place, considering it's mostly going to be Barefoot's friends. I do kinda wish Maddy and I could be there with her. Oh well. Someday, she'll be old enough to get out of family events. And she'll probably enjoy herself anyway.

One of my paternal uncles had a retirement party in '98, and much of the extended family was there. I'd recently gotten my hair done in its current style (look at the picture), but hadn't come out yet. (Possibly I'd told Jonco and/or Barefoot by then, and of course The Ex knew, but that was it.) My other paternal uncle, for reasons I've never quite understood, had some curly black wigs in his car. Upon seeing my hair, he and a couple other people put them on and walked up to me with huge grins on their faces. It was funny, you see, because my hair was funny—especially on a boy. On a [x] girl or [x] other, not so much. But on a boy? A laugh riot. If I wasn't a tranny (or, at least, hadn't come out yet) but still wore my hair like this, I'd probably be getting static about it to this day. It's a shame that sometimes you have to be queer to look the way you want.

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Friday, 15 November 2002 (invito al cielo)
7:56pm


So I finally bit the bullet and dove into Pac Bell's tech support labyrinth. (I do love mixing my metaphors, don't I?) I said that yes, I am Jeffrey Robert Connelly, the owner of the account, and that's "sir" to you. As I painfully learned last time, trying to explain the name change is, well, painful, at least on the tech support level. Once this is all cleared up—assuming it does get cleared up and I don't switch to Earthlink or Raw Bandwidth, the latter of which Timbre suggested—I'll call the billing people and try to get the name business taken care of properly. Which it should have been already, my regular phone bill says Sherilyn and the internet service is part of it, but you know how it is with those damn Cthulhu. One tentacle never knows what the other is doing.

Anyway, a technician will be coming out between 8am and 5pm tomorrow (I hope it's closer to 5pm for Maddy's sake) to find out if it's the internal wiring or the modem. Whatever the answer is, it'll be nice to finally have one.

What really sucks about not having DSL right now is that I'm missing out on the live broadcasts of Beyond the Pale, on both KFJC and (which I can only get online) and on the DNA's site. At least with dialup I can keep open a window with a jpeg slideshow of the stage. Because I'm that pathetic.

There was a possibility that Chupa was going to be able to put me on her guestlist for at least tonight, but she's not getting a guestlist during the festival. Plus, though she's working at the DNA all four nights of Beyond the Pale (Thursday through Sunday), she'll be working the private back bar where the artists booze it up, so I probably won't even get to see her when I go to the show on Sunday. Oh well. That's life, such as it is.

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Thursday, 14 November 2002 (colder still)
8:10am


I'm learning to really hate Pac Bell. It seems like we were online for a grand total of ten minutes yesterday, and only five minutes of it was DSL. It works for an average of about thirty seconds before the "ready" light starts flashing, which of course means that we're not connected. I am loath to call their tech support because, well, I loathe them. It'll just be the same as before—they'll tell me to move the modem three feet off the ground and at least as far from the computer (done, with no effect), and otherwise that everything's fine and I shouldn't be having any problems whatsoever and would I like to upgrade my service to something twice as expensive and with that whole name change thing am I going, like, all the way? Since the internet service is probably still under my old name (I've never quite figured out how to change it), I suppose I can use the fact that I still get called "sir" on the phone to my advantage and not mention anything. And we're paying way too much for service which is this bad, so I have to do something. I wish there was some way to tell if it's actually Pac Bell or if it's a problem with the modem itself, but when I ask around about such things only the crickets respond. Ugh.

Maddy's getting a root canal this afternoon, and has been prescribed valium. I'm jealous of the second part, but not the first so much.

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Tuesday, 12 November 2002 (primacy of number)
11:45am


My brother Barefoot turns 40 today, which must mean I'm 29.

I wonder if there's anything in 8 Mile explaining why Eminem hates queers so much, like getting beat up by a roaming gang of gay men. Probably not, since it's only "loosely" based on his life. Besides, what's to explain? Neither he nor anyone else needs a reason. And between his albums going poly-platinum, a $54 million opening weekend for 8 Mile (twice as much as jackass's opening weekend, for whatever it's worth) and the media still referring to Gwen as a boy, it's not like it matters.

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Monday, 11 November 2002 (rush hour on the event horizon)
5:34pm


I'm still a little unsure about the definition of "maturity," but we got flu shots today. I wonder if that qualifies.

Tonight, we're going to Lynn Breedlove's house to tape her cats for the show. Sometimes I'm aware of how surreal my life can get.

If it was up to me, I'd be able to grocery shop without seeing Faith Hill's misshapen grin on every other magazine cover. Unfortunately, it isn't. And, between The Twilight Zone and Buffy, I know better than to wish too hard for it. I'd probably just lose my vision or something.

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