My Face for the World to See (Part II):
The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly
a fiction


June 1 - 10, 2003

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Tuesday, 10 June 2003 (all in a day's work)
9:51am

There was actually a bit of debate about whether or not to remain at the foot of the stage when The Cramps finally came on and the inevitable moshing began. The debate wasn't between me and Horehound; as far as I was concerned, I was his date (platonic though it was, since he's into girls about as much as I'm into boys), and wherever he wanted to stand was fine with me. Rather, it was Horehound with himself. He'd gotten knocked around pretty well at the Buzzcocks the previous evening, also at The Fillmore, and wasn't sure he was up for it again. If nothing else, he wanted to be get a good look at Lux's shoes, and he also insisted that Lux simply had to get a look at me.

I did probably fuss with my appearance before going out more than I should have. But, you know, I knew there'd be a wide array of ego-killing girls, so I wanted to feel like I'd at least tried to hold my own. I wore an Annie's tank top which I'd converted into a crop top—Annie told me she does the same thing, since they're too long to begin with—and a cheerleader skirt which I'd found at the Salvation Army in Fresno. (Though I like the skirt, I narrowly missed on what would have been a real score: a cheerleader skirt from Bullard High which was several too sizes smaller than I'll ever be. You'd have to have grown up in Fresno to understand why that would be significant, especially since I went to Edison.) A number of people commented on the blouse, including one from the bartender who said that Annie had been at the Buzzcocks show and was expected there again. Never did see her, sadly.

You can dress to the eights
You can dress to maim
It'll make you feel great
This fortune and fame
Wearing too much makeup
Not near enough clothes

Anyway, Horehound and I may not have lasted more than a couple songs in if it weren't for our guardian angel, a woman standing behind us who cushioned most of the blows from the flailing moshers. The fact that she was full-figured helped considerably; it would have hurt a lot more to have someone as bony as myself constantly slamming into my back. Only once did I get pushed into the stage hard enough to squeeze an "oof" out of me, and I know that it wasn't intentional on her part. Thanks to her, we were able to ride it out, although Horehound was more than a little punch-drunk when it was over.

That probably would have been case wherever we stood though, given the high energy of the show. It was one of the wildest things I've seen on stage in a long time, even moreso than Penis Flytrap, since there was nothing along the lines of props or effects—it was all in Lux's energy. He was wearing fairly tight salmon-colored snakeskin pants and matching shirt, with black PVC gloves and (I must admit) fairly nice shoes, plus a lot of foundation and eye makeup. I hadn't seen any pictures of him later than the seventies, but for some reason I was expecting to be a little more...I don't know. Butch or something. Not that I'm complaining. (Of all things, it made me wish I could have seen one of the very early Marilyn Manson shows, back when they played smaller venues like that.)

Probably owing to the fact that I'm tall and striking and was in plain view, Lux sang directly to me quite a few times. (I got the impression from Horehound that he did it even more than I realized.) I also had his ass and crotch in my face on at least one occasion each. For the latter, I wasn't aware of it at first; I was rocking out with my eyes closed, and I opened them to find his bulge filling my field of vision. I think the line of the song had something to do with his genitals, but I could be mistaken about that. When he moved back away I made a show of grabbing at them (and missing by a large margin), just so nobody would think I completely wasted the opportunity.

Again, the fact that I'm tall probably helped keep me on his radar, moreso than the sullen little goth girl (me being a big perky goth girl, by contrast) standing to my left, who was at least a head shorter than me but almost made up for it with her long fake eyelashes. For "Fucked Up"—as in "let's get," one of the few Cramps songs I know well—Lux kneeled down, put his gloved right hand on the left side of my face, and sang the opening to me. Feeling not unlike a cat, I leaned into the glove and nuzzled it, at least as much as is possible with wet PVC. It was a Moment, and I was going to milk it for all it was worth.

(Horehound had a Moment of his own the night before. It was towards the end of the show, and he'd moved away from the front stage for some breathing room. He was already exhausted, but soon found himself doing what he termed "gay swing dancing" to the song "Ever Fallen In Love With Someone You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With?" with a gorgeous young man. At that Moment, he very much knew the answer to the question.)

Lux has a thing about slamming the microphone stand on the stage and walking away, leaving it in such a way that it wobbles and occasionally falls down. I always kept an eye on it, in case it decided to fall in our direction, and inevitably it did. Now, in order to keep myself steady against the buffeting waves of the crowd, my right hand had a firm grip on a conveniently placed handle on Lux's monitor. So when I saw the stand coming down at us, my left hand shot out and caught it. A few seconds later Lux turned around and saw that I was holding the stand, so I (wobbled? bounced? is there a proper verb?) it back to him. Horehound said I was very professional about it, like a part of the show, plus mention I probably spared him a broken nose. Not bad for a myopic right-hander who'd taken her glasses off for vanity reasons.

All this, and I haven't said a word about Poison Ivy Rorshach? That's not right.

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Monday, 9 June 2003 (lonesome town)
sometime after midnight

It is not my custom to be at the front of the starge at a punk show. That, after all, is where the mosh pit usually forms. Not particularly. Yet, that's where I tend to find myself, since that's where the people I accompany want to be, like when Maddy and I saw Penis Flytrap in January. This time around, it was Horehound at The Cramps.

The first opening act was, as Horehound described them, a pale, watered down ripoff of Iggy and the Stooges. (They weren't too original fashionwise, either; the lead singer's style was Alice Cooper-slash-Marc Bolan, the guitarist was Sid Vicious, the bass was Duran Duran and the drummer was Oasis.) The music wasn't bad, just extremely unoriginal. On the other end of the originality scale was the second opening act, the one I was particularly looking forward to, Mr. Quintron. Loud and raucous and discordant, a one-man band from New Orleans on organ and high hat. Plenty fun, although it was almost as amusing to watch the vaguely punk kids to my left who put so much effort into not enjoying it. They were there to see The Cramps, damnit, and would dare show interest in anyone else.

Now, by virtue of being among the first people in line, Horehound and I were at the front center of the stage. And rumor has it I'm hard to miss. So it's no great surprise that when The Cramps finally came on, lead singer Lux Interior did in fact fail to miss me...

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Sunday, 8 June 2003 (one other person)
3:16pm

From my notebook on Thursday night.

6/5/03
10:25pm
I was invited to go to Affliction at the DNA, but I declined. The DNA sounds like way too much work. Parking and cover and everything else. So I'm at the Lexington instead, since, you know, I have to be somewhere, don't I? So much for getting to bed early tonight, in spite of being at Ted and Kelly's until half past one last night and the fact that I was borderline dozing while editing the show today. And, as they say, yet. I want to be here, so here I am.

I don't know what I'm expecting to happen. There was no Sini to coincidentally greet me at the door. Per Shawna Virago's suggestion, however, there is now a fly0r for my reading up in the restroom. (And a kittypr0n sticker too.) Speaking of the reading, I have to write a (mercifully short) bio for Adobe's publicity. Ugh. I hate that sort of thing. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I had more to say about myself, but I don't have much experience beyond open mics. There's the the stuff I've written/will write for girlchick.com and Holy Titclamps, but those haven't been published yet. As Maddy keeps reminding me, you gotta start somewhere. Michelle and (e) were both here themselves once. (Oh. Great. Him again.) (Dude, YOU used the word "busy" to describe me. If I'm busy, then maybe you shouldn't be bothering me?)

I'm applying for a short-term gig at Kelly's company. (The name of which, I don't even know. I suppose it doesn't really matter.) It's a web job, but the emphasis is heavy on design. I've coded some lovely sites in my day, but I didn't design any of them. Alas. Hopes are not to be gotten up. That's not what they're for. (Note to self: just because a jukebox has "Sister Ray," which you consider to to be seventeen minutes of distortion-drenched ear candy, it's not polite to force it on a crowded bar, you inconsiderate fuck. See? You DO need to be told these things.) (Oh, no. Not again.) (I'm busy, remember? Busy busy busy busy!)

The Good Vibrations application is kicking my ass. I suppose they'll understand if I don't have the contact info from a job five years ago. Hi! Jesus. That was five years ago? Make that Jesus FUCK. (Before she left, Shawna Virago came over to say goodbye and that it was a pleasure to meet me. We had been introduced earlier in the evening by Tina D'Elia, who was introduced to me by Meliza Banales at K'vetch. See how it works?) It was a lifetime ago, but a QUICK lifetime, y'know?

A realtime sidenote: Tina was raving to Shawna about (well, speaking highly of) the piece I'd read at K'vetch, describing it as being "about how much our government sucks." I hadn't thought about it in quite those terms, but that's certainly one of the themes, and if that's what she got out of it, yay. It means it struck a chord and/or didn't bore her to tears, and that's what matters.

Five years ago, on my twenty-fifth birthday, I went to the first of the twelve shrink sessions required to (legitimately) go on hormones. I'd like to think I'm milestoning pretty well. (Does he have to stand right next to me? Is it entirely necessary?) And on some levels I'm doing better at thirty than I would have predicted at the time. The employment situation bites, but I refuse to let that be the standard by which I measure my life. (I picked up a Borders application recently, but for the life of me, I can't find it. Needless to say, I'm ambivalent. It's work, but I need to work somewhere queer-friendly. And this isn't just me being political, either, seeing as how I'm unmistakably a big huge queer, and therefore a place that isn't queer-friendly will not be friendly to me. So you see the problem.)

The milk will spill. It happens.

Not only do I have permission from Steven to use a Sexgoblin on the back of my next chapbook, he even supplied a high-quality image of a completed one of me. Too cool. I have, on the other hand, received no such permission from the fine people at Rolling Stone for the cover image, nor do I intend to ask.

At Pam's house on Tuesday night, I met Julian Cash, who took one of my favorite pictures of Annie Sprinkle. I think have a fondness for pietas. (No, pietas doesn't mean "breasts.") He told me he doesn't sell prints because it's too time-consuming, but that he'd be happy to print one out for me from his computer. Hell, that'll do. He also asked me if I model, and there was nothing lecherous about the question as there would have been if it had come from, say, Charles Gatewood. Anyway, It's a tough question, since answering "yes" feels tantamount to calling myself a model, and I ain't. But I think that this point the answer would in fact have to be yes, at least as it applies to the word as a verb. (Although I still haven't seen the cover of the fourth issue of How Loathsome —I didn't ask, and it probably didn't even cross Ted's mind—I did notice on their refrigerator a photo of me as Chloe from the shoot. Presumably it's the one which will be used for the cover—)

It's ten past midnight. If I leave right now, I could theoretically get five hours of sleep before going to the gym. What more do I expect from this night? isn't it wisest to quit before I get behind?

And it just sorta ends, as most things do.

9:48pm

My gay boyfriend Horehound is taking me to see The Cramps tomorrow night. He's so cool.

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Saturday, 7 June 2003 (the view from below)
11:52am

The fly0r for the reading on my birthday. One of them, anyway, as they're in several different colors. The majority of them have the partial borders along a side or two like this one. It's arguably sloppy, but I kinda like the asymmetricality of it. (That's a convenient excuse, isn't it? "It's not sloppy—it's asymmetrical!") (Okay, Invader ZIM fans, get it out of your system: "It's not stupid—it's advanced!") Anyway, it's remarkable how cheaply you can get a quasi-slick look with colored paper and the "negative" option on a copier. It costs the same but uses up a lot of ink, though, so be sure to do it at Kinko's and not an indie place.

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Friday, 6 June 2003 (nothing left)
10:01pm

Home tonight, for the first time this week. (Seems fitting it would be Friday night.) I've spent a lot of time out in what Caitlín properly capitalizes as The World, and it's nice to hide a little. It became obvious that I'd been out enough when I got hit by birds today. Twice.

It was very Tippi Hedren. I was walking across a parking lot, and bam, there was loud flapping and something bouncing off the back of my head. It was more disconcerting than painful, and thankfully I didn't reach up to find anything had dripped onto me. It happened again about twenty minutes later, walking across the same damn lot. This time, it was more of a graze than a hit. Whether it was coincidence or the birds were attracted to me for some reason, I don't know. I'm taking it as a sign either way. Until tomorrow night, at least.

Besides, I now realize that I'm very tired. Sleeping for four hours a night at the most will do that you. I've still been making it out to the gym at least every other morning, as part of the whole "burn more calories than I consume" thing.

I think I know where I got it from, though. When we were in Fresno, my mom commented that she needs to lose twenty pounds. As anyone can tell by looking at her, she does not need to do so. Then again, I'm hovering around 160 and believe I should be closer to 150, although empirical evidence suggests otherwise. I am so her daughter.

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Wednesday, 4 June 2003 (where the birds always sing)
6:08pm

I wrap my arms around me. My skin is peeling off, and soon I'll step out of it. I claw at my body to help the sloughing skin come off.

"What're you doin'?"

I shout past the loud buzzing in my head, "I'm digging myself out!" and watch clean, cold shafts of sun shadows rip into my flesh.

—J. T. LeRoy, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things

I don't remember getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, but the copious bites on my leg suggest that it did happen. Presumably it was while I was backyard with Jonco at Nicole's party.

The party itself went well, I think. It was nice to see Nicole enjoying herself, and with people her own age. The drama was level was also much lower than it could have been; neither the absence of Tom (not invited by Nicole) nor my mom (invited, but choosing not to attend because of Tom not being welcome) seemed to adversely affect the proceedings.

I felt a little uncomfortable, though. Everybody was friendly, but I still felt out of my element. I suppose it's the way Nicole felt on New Year's Eve. My head was also hurting (traced back to a zit which had formed on my nose right under wear my glasses sit), though I chose to either ignore or neglect it, depending on your point of view. Evidently I wanted to keep the edge on, not take it off.

I gravitated towards my immediate family, either Jonco or my dad and his wife. My dad was drunk, old-school drunk. Both Jonco and I were flashing on how our father used to get when we were younger. He's technically what you'd call a "funny" a drunk, or, at least, a non-belligerent one.

Since sometimes I want to be cynical and inappropriate like the cool kids, I tried to use it to my advantage. I found a way to segue into the fact that I've been hoping to accompany (e) on her tour later this year, how I've never really seen the country beyond Minnesota, that it would be a great experience for me, and so on. He agreed wholeheartedly with all those things. Unfortunately, he failed to bite when I lamented the fact that I almost certainly wouldn't be able to go for financial reasons. He was very sorry to hear it. And that was pretty much that. I mean, to the best of my knowledge he's not exactly loaded (monetarily, that is—otherwise, he was way loaded at the time), but what the hell. It was worth a shot, and it's not like he was going to remember it anyway. Of course, if he'd said yes, I would have gotten it in triplicate, with witnesses. Just to be safe.

I'm applying to work at Good Vibrations. The application has something resembling an essay section. While I think I'm selling myself fairly well—I do want to work there, and I think I'd be good at it—I can't help feeling like it boils down to saying that I have a hat which lights up saying "Lion tamer" in great big neon letters.

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Tuesday, 3 June 2003 (at the edge of everything)
8:53am

I don't know what the odds were. I'm not sure I want to know. They're probably incalcuable, like the odds of, say, a dog spontaneously transforming into basketball-sized onion with a laser-guided cannon. (Just an example. I'm sure you can come up with something really unlikely f you try.) I'm not going to say it can't possibly happen, but, let's face it, it seemed improbable at best.

Here was I, being so sooo original—who would think to wear a Lexington Club tank top to Death Guild? It's wild! It's wacky! It's an unexpected juxtaposition of two seldom-overlapping subcultures which will surely lead to unpredictable hilarity and hijinx!

Except someone else had the same idea. On, it should go without saying, the same night. That'll teach me to think I'm any kind of a rebel.

Perki asked if I've heard of Meow TV. Whooboy. Something is going to need to be said about that.

I got to Death Guild around ten, after a dinner with Buz which Dax had arranged but wasn't actually able to attend. (She said it was because it took so long to get dressed, and when I finally saw her, I believed it. Even by her usual standards, she was well constructed.) By midnight, though, I'd decided to go the Lex. I reckoned I was dressed for it, if nothing else. Besides, part of the incentive for going out in the first place was to put out fly0rs for the reading, and my work there was done. (Not the only reason, of course, but it does somewhat explain the unusual occurence of me going out to the same club two weeks in a row. It's very '99 of me.) It wasn't that there weren't friendly faces at Death Guild, because there were, but I was feeling the need for a scene change.

The first face I saw upon arriving at the Lex was Sini Anderson, with whom I've crossed paths many times—we even party-hopped together with Lynnee this last New Year's Eve—but have never been properly introduced. (It's a bitch to keep track of these things; I just operate under the assumption that I've met most people in these circles and simply don't remember their names, and it usually turns out to be true.) Sini said that she's heard me read a number of times at K'vetch and really likes my writing. Being a total slut I always appreciate compliments, but coming from a founder of Sister Spit, it means a lot. We exchanged fly0rs, and I gave her a chapbook.

Although I probably should be, I'm not in the habit of carrying chapbooks with me; I had it because I'd originally meant to give it to a girl I'd met at K'vetch the night before. When I went by her work earlier in the day for that very reason (not to mention it was a coffehouse and Maddy wanted something to drink), she wasn't there. So, I gave it to Sini, and not five minutes later, the girl walked in. Given the size of this town, and especially the size of the dyke community, the odds of that happening seemed a little more calculable.

The Lex is a good place to sit and compose, especially during the week after midnight when it's died down a bit. I'll have to remember that.

I do wonder, though, what it says about me that at the only full-on lesbian bar in town, a guy hit on me. Again, I probably don't want to know.

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Monday, 2 June 2003 (green grow the rushes)
6:27pm

It's scary to think that someone who actually does it for a living is reading my writing. Caitlín R. Kiernan, to be precise, who was even kind enough to link to my silly little page in her journal. Of course, all the typos and grammatical errors and general stylistic gaffes (I swear, I can't stick to a tense to save my life) leap out in stark relief. No, really, I do know how to structure a sentence. Usually.

It reminds me of something Horehound told me last night regarding the previous K'vetch. One of the features was a big-time slam poet, and evidently he was bothered by the audience's reaction. It wasn't that they weren't polite—they're always polite at the very least, and usually much more—but, perhaps, that they were too polite. He didn't get the energetic response he's accustomed to, and it messed with his head. Horehound's theory was that, while the performance was polished and quite professional, that's not necessarily what the K'vetch audience responds to. They like the rough edges that make it seem more personal.

So that's what my copious errors are: the rough edges that make it seem more personal. Hell yeah. And at least I know the difference between "lose" and "loose."

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Sunday, 1 June 2003 (the tumultuous upsurge)
5:19pm

Back from Fresno. It's very hot and sprawling out there. I seem to keep forgetting that. The thrift stores always have better selections, though, so that helps.

I'm bushed, but going to K'vetch all the same. I missed it last month (for the best of causes, it's true), and have cool new fly0rs for the reading on the 16th. Besides, it's the sort of thing that makes me love living in San Francisco.

11:58pm

It was a good night. I was in the right place.

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