My Face for the World to See (Part II): The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly a fiction October 11 - 20, 2001

Saturday, 20 October 2001 (llorando (crying)) 11:25am Later that same evening Maddy and I went to dinner at our regular sushi place in Pacifica with Lilith, who has graciously (nay, enthusiastically) agreed to perform our handfasting. Which wasn't primarily the purposes of our meeting, since we'd promised her a sushi dinner since she'd helped us bring home our new loveseat back on MLK day. (Ten months seems about average for these things.) She was also kind enough to help us in our search for acid and/or 'shrooms, happily donating a little of both. Churchgoing, van-driving mothers of teenagers—who knew? So last night I picked up Maddy from work (beats her having to take the muni, or pay for parking), and on the way home the wrong thing got said. By me. In a big way. Kinda blew the evening all to hell, or at least the two or three hours following the statement. I'd been previously thinking about going to Assmiliate 2K1, and the fact that I hadn't abandoned the plan when things went south made it all worse. (Understandably.) On the plus side, there was none of the shouting and door slamming/locking and scratching and cutting which would often accompany such events last year (and the things which happened last year were a catalyst for this one). After the dust settled and the eyes dried, we decided to salvage the evening by taking the 'shrooms. Which may seem counterintuitive, but it made sense. Unlike grass, I can take hallucinogens when I'm unhappy and they won't further depress me. Besides, we'd both been looking forward to it for a long time. So at about half past nine we got chinese food (which wasn't very good—I'm losing my faith in the concept of comfort food), mixed in the 'shrooms, and watched the first half of Happy, Texas while we came on. When it hit, we turned off the teevee, put on Robert Rich's Trances/Drones, watched the blacklit stars on the ceiling and talked for hours, eventually going to bed at 4AM. Except for a bit of discomfort at the beginning as Maddy's body adjusted itself to its largest drug dose yet (not counting the accidental THC overload last year), it went well. For the most part I was able to keep the bad thoughts at bay, which I'm almost never able to do when my mind is chattering away on grass. At one point my current employment situation did hit home, hard, and I cried. Didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. It passed. In a way, I think I needed that, too. 2:10pm Reality's always waiting around the corner, though. I just received my unemployment insurance package; I'm pretty sure my benefits aren't much more than what I got after working at the video store in Fresno. I don't think it's even minimum wage. I guess that's supposed to be a strong persuader. Considering that I just applied for a position as a Tetris tester, it apparently works. 9:35pm One of the primary reasons we chose to do the 'shrooms rather than the acid last night was that we had plans to go to dinner with barefoot and Rox tonight, and it would be much easier to be back on our feet in time with one than with the other. We went to King Yen (of course) and it was much better than the chinese food last night. I ate too much, but since they're moving to LA next week it seemed justified. And shortly after they leave town Dana and Costanza will also be bailing. Then it'll just be us. Last | Top | Next

Friday, 19 October 2001 (downward is heavenward) 3:38pm Picking up Maddy from work yesterday, I saw Summer. First time in months, and quite possibly the last time for months. (Not that we've had much regular contact for the last couple years, so I don't suppose it'll be any different.) Always one to know what I want to hear, she commented on my weight loss—in fairness, it's probably been ten or fifteen pounds since last saw me—and asked if I was still on the Slim-Fast. It took me a moment before I remembered that I did use to drink that stuff. Ick. When I said I wasn't, she asked what my secret was, and I told her that it's from exercise, eating mostly vegetables rather than meat and drinking a lot of water. Now it was her turn to make an ick face, as she said she'd never be able to do that. I pointed out that it didn't look like she needed to, and she assured me that she's gone up a few sizes since we first met. Maybe, but she's still got one of those metabolisms where she can eat nothing but jalapeno poppers from Jack in the Box and not gain a pound. Last | Top | Next

Thursday, 18 October 2001 (the union forever) 3:10pm I'm doing much better now, really. I saw a t-shirt the other day with a silhouette of the New York skyline (mit Towers) in front of the flag, and below were the words WE'RE ALL NEW YORKERS NOW. Does that mean I can start beating up people for looking at me too long? Last | Top | Next

Wednesday, 17 October 2001 ('til the band comes in) 9:21am What a surprise! a look of terminal shock in your eyes I'm not qualified for a damn thing anymore. Maybe Borders is hiring. Having never heard back from the Recruiting Manager at Staffing Agency #1 (perhaps because I outed myself to her too soon?), I contacted one at Staffing Agency #2, someone whom Maddy had worked with when she first moved into town. They responded promptly, saying that for web-related stuff I should contact their tech recruiter, and gave me the appropriate email address. I immediately wrote said recruiter—noon yesterday—and haven't heard back. If I don't hear back by this afternoon, I'll write again. I may also contact the original person and tell her that I'm flexible (which is to say, realistic) and am willing to aim lower than web stuff. I can type 60 WPM, after all, and I'm a good speller. (Endless typos on this page notwithstanding.) Those are marketable skills, right? I'm already missing being driven insane by The Fidget Queen. Didn't take very long. Making this all the more nerve-wracking is the fact that I haven't changed my name yet. Fortunately, I should be receiving in the mail any day now a used copy of Nolo Press's How to Change Your Name in California, which comes highly recommended as a good resource for changing one's name legally without actually going through the courts. Sounds good to me. And, yeah, I should have done this all a long time ago. But I didn't. Lists of regrets just seem to keep growing, don't they? Even though Nietzsche would surely disapprove. 2:01pm The book arrived. Of course, now it occurs to me that I haven't gotten a passport yet, which I'm told is a good thing to get done before the official name change. So I should do that first. Ah, the glamour of it all. I'm feeling incredibly disoriented right now. For the first time in what feels like forever—either since the last time I was unemployed or when I began transitioning, I'm honestly not sure which—I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing in a year. Scary? Why, yes, thank you. Last | Top | Next

Tuesday, 16 October 2001 (mountains falling) 5:24pm Anyone who has time away from work (willingly or otherwise) makes vague plans to do some kind of housecleaning, rearranging, what have you. Today, I boxed up just shy of 300 CDs—all of which had been ripped to mp3—and took them to Ameoba and traded them in for a fairly healthy chunk of credit. Given the relative infrequency with which we actually shop there, it should take us through the next few months—at least I'll be able to get the forthcoming Star Trek: The Motion Picture and Twin Peaks DVDs... I've been seeing people wearing FDNY t-shirts. Frankly, I'm not convinced they're actual employees. Americans are swell in a crisis situation; if you read anything about the '89 earthquake, for example, you come across nearly as much human kindness and general pulling together then as was observed in New York and elsewhere last month. (I have no reason to suspect it's because they're Americans and that the reaction wouldn't have been the same in other countries, but who am I to contradict the party line?) Left up to their own devices, though, Americans don't seem to care if they leave shopping carts in handicapped parking spaces. If a national character is best judged by daily behavior when there's no real pressure besides that of simple conscience, then maybe there's nothing truly special about us after all. Last | Top | Next

Monday, 15 October 2001 (trained condition of obedience) 6:54pm To apply for a city job (of which ones for which I'm qualified at the moment are somewhat scarce), they want to know how many units I completed in college. Jesus. I'm not sure I could have answered that when I graduated, let alone four years later. I can probably estimate it (average units per semester is 12, I was there for six semesters, and they probably won't check), and frankly, I doubt a very large percentage of city workers have college degrees in the frist place. All this to be a Typist II. Yay. I was kinda hoping that I might sneak into an entry-level position at the library, but all that's available requires a particular degree, and not in Cinema. Meanwhile, the recruiting manager I've both emailed and called at Staffing Agency #1 hasn't responded. When you get snubbed by people who make a living off of finding you work, it's a bad sign. I've been wearing jeans for the last couple days, for the first time since I discovered the velvet leggings in mid-'99. Besides as a change of pace, I think part of the reason is that this is the first time I've fit into them since then, it having been that long since I weighed < 180. I hate how Weight Watchers-y that sounds (even though I haven't given a dime to that cult, unless you count in the form of store-bought frozen dinners, which I gave up on some time back), and even did the twisty "wow, my ass looks great!" thing in front of the mirror. Couldn't help. And at least now I know my waist is 33". Last | Top | Next

Sunday, 14 October 2001 (mechanism of occupant ejection) sometime after midnight I think I'm getting to that point where weekends and weekdays feel the same—the only real difference is whether Maddy's home. I don't like that. Last | Top | Next

Saturday, 13 October 2001 (red bats with teeth) 9:28pm We saw David Lynch's new movie Mulholland Drive today. I loved it. I'm a Lynch fan from way back, and I was not disappointed. It had everything that I loved about his movies, yet he still managed to surprise me. That said, I don't recommend it. Whoever you are, odds are you probably won't like it. We seemed to be among the very few people in the theater who tolerated the movie, who paid attention rather than laughing at inappropriate moments, who appreciated it for what it was, not what we thought it should be. Or, more accurately, what we thought it should be turned out to be exactly what it was. I realize that sounds pretentious, and I don't mean it to be. It's just not a very accessible movie, and if you prefer your movies to have linear plots and to make sense, you'll be very disappointed. Y'know, I love movies, but gawd, I fucking hate going to the movies. It's so seldom worth the stress. Although this was one of the rare times that nobody's phone rang. Last | Top | Next

Friday, 12 October 2001 (subhuman) 6:23pm I'm seriously considering looking into working for the city, partially because I've heard they have certain useful health benefits. I wonder if the fact that I've been a resident for seven years and was gainfully employed until very recently will keep me from seeming like one of the opportunistic, freeloading trannies that so many people—including friends of mine—were convinced would start flooding into the city to sap the taxpayers dry. We'll see. Last | Top | Next

Thursday, 11 October 2001 (oblivium) 9:45pm It took two hours to clear off my face and the parts of my chest that are ever likely to show. I suppose the nipple hairs (ewww!) will have to be dealt with on a more regular basis by more traditional means. Anyway, I'm at 205 hours. Hell of a time to start keeping track of these things. Unfortunately, I forgot to have him get between my eyebrows, were hardy genetics are still determined to unibrow me. It's only a few hairs, not truly noticeable at all. But still, they're there. And I suppose they'll be there for a long time yet, since I can't justify the expense of getting zapped again until I get a new job. (Let's see how my resolve holds out if I get the demon regrowth once more.) Last | Top | Next