My Face for the World to See (Part II):
The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly
a fiction


January 1 - 10, 2004

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Saturday, 10 January 2004 (wide view)
11:14pm

I finally performed in front of naked people tonight. Well, only one fully naked person, though there a few other people in various states of (un)dress. The event was Perverts Put Out!, of course. Man, I gotta say, I was on. Everything just clicked. The audience's energy was strong, which always helps, but I was in my own little zone as well. I read one of my usual stories as well as the new piece, and both seemed to go over really well. From where she was sitting Maddy said my vinyl Trinity pants (which she found for me at Goodwill, bless her) looked really neat in the light, like I was wearing liquid. Seemed appropriate for the event.

Wicked Messenger is tomorrow, and I haven't heard from Anders since before New Year's. That's a little disturbing. I can handle the show myself if need be, but it doesn't seem like him to disappear like this.

sometime after midnight

And then, after the rush, the crash and burn. Not exactly inevitable, but not surprising, either.

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Friday, 9 January 2004 (nothing else compares)
7:32am

Didn't get as much sleep last night as I'd hoped. My plan upon getting home from work was a quiet evening, perhaps watching one of the GreenCine discs that had just arrived, Wait Until Dark and the second disc of the first season of Six Feet Under. Except that Lynnee called to announce an impromptu first meeting of our fledgling (or would that be nascent?) sketch/improv comedy group. Went well for the first time, I think. Promising. It helps that the other two people actually have experience with this sort of thing, unlike Lynnee and I, who are pretty much just untrained smartasses.

Afterwards, we went to Pop's, Harmony's (new?) bar at 24th and Bryant. Never been before. Nice place. Stayed later than we should have, really, but hey, the jukebox has Holy Wood and Red Headed Stranger. That officially makes it The Greatest Jukebox in the world.

Remember when you used to think about jukeboxes in terms of singles, not albums?

Speaking of such things, the other day I was burning the eighty zillionth version of an mp3 mix CD I've been fiddling with for several months (and will no doubt to continue to for several more) when I suddenly found myself missing singles. Oh, I love the sheer convenience of digital music, of having several hours of music on a single small disc, and I wouldn't ever want to go back. Still, there was something to be said for going through a stack of singles, not knowing what you want to hear until you find it. LPs were neat too, but the little rush from a good 45rpm record just can't be beat. Or being able to play a record backwards with your finger, if you were so inclined. "Revolution #9" and "Darling Nikki" being the most obvious choices, of course. (I have no idea if any of my music software can play mp3s backwards. Probably cool edit pro, which I've figured out how to use to normalize wav files, but it's too highfalutin for me otherwise.) I'm sincerely glad I grew up with analog music, that I remember what it was like.

2:57pm

In spite of The Boss forbidding me on Monday from doing anything other than my Girl Friday duties while at work, and his insistence that the guys in the SEO department (which is where I might be moving) would consider training me or even answering my questions to be a burden, I've spent the last two workdays rewriting a report for them. With The Boss's blessing. He even told me to make it my top priority. This morning he looked at what I've done so far, and very much to my surprise, he's happy with it. He had a few minor, almost arbitrary semantic objections (to things which weren't my wording in the first place), but otherwise, he says I'm doing a good job at it. Whew. Yay. This might work out after all. Even if it's still difficult sometimes to concentrate on what the cute Bill Pullman-esque boy is saying.

6:12pm

A rare late day at work. It's one of the dangers of moving up this particular ladder: I may not be able to always jet at the crack of half past four. And I certainly won't get paid overtime. From a utilitarian standpoint, if my salary is enough so that we don't have to worry about paying the bills, it'll be worth it. Everything else will fall into place.

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Thursday, 8 January 2004 (inconspicuous mendacity)
3:55pm

And the rollercoaster goes back down.

4:10pm

Speaking of rollercoasters, I think I've discovered the funnest drive in San Francisco: the far left lane at the intersection of Oak and Pierce, heading east on Oak. It's only open ten hours a week, from seven to nine on weekday mornings—the rest of the time, cars are parked in the lane—and I go through it on the way to Kelly's before work. There's this great little incline in the road followed by a sudden dip, and as a result there's the slightest sense of semi-weightlessness. Not zero g, but closer to zero g than usual It's hella fun. I strongly recommend it.

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Wednesday, 7 January 2004 (a comprehension exercise)
7:14am

From the official text of the Governor's State of the State address yesterday:

I'm going to travel the nation and the world to find [jobs for Californians].

I'm going to say, "Come to California. Come and do business here. Buy our fantastic products. Visit our special attractions, and hire our workers, who are the most productive in the world."

I am a salesman by nature. And now most of my energies will go into selling California. If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonia [sic] or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.

And California is the easiest sell I've ever had.

Further proof that if you're not careful, trying to be clever can make you look like an idiot (as I've personally demonstrated countless times). I can only conclude that his speechwriters were suggesting he could make people pay to see a lousy movie. However, Last Action Hero was actually the biggest flop of 1993. It eventually broke even in foreign and video sales, but its domestic gross was less than its budget, which means he did not sell it. To my way of thinking, True Lies would have been a much better example, a heinous movie which was a big hit.

10:35pm

The revived writing group met tonight, though only half the members were there. So, of course, it made perfect sense that I may have written my strongest piece yet for the group. (Not strongest overall, but for the group.) It seemed to go over well, even for what's essentially a Nikos Kazantzakis/Poppy Z. Brite/Helen Fielding melange. The audience reaction when I read it on Saturday should be interesting.

I've finished the first draft of my Twilight Zone script. It needs polishing and tightening, but I figure the first big hurdle has been cleared. For assorted reasons, the show date has been pushed back from the last weekend of February to the first weekend of March. As a result, it's now going to be the opening weekend show, along with m. i. blue's episode. No pressure there.

The reading with Lauren Wheeler and David West at Modern Times is going to be on my birthday, June 16. For my last birthday, of course, it was with (e) and Shauna at Adobe. The birthday reading thing isn't so much a "tradition" as "something I hope to do every year."

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm accomplishing something.

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Tuesday, 6 January 2004 (star of bethlehem)
7:14am

The cast for my Twilight Zone is confirmed: Lynnee, Liz Young, Maddy, Jon Fast (who played Maddy's father in Night of the Living Dead), and Seeley Quest. Granted, something could change in the next eight weeks—it always does, doesn't it?—but, damn, I am so psyched. Some very talented people are putting a lot of faith in me, and I hope I don't let them down.

9:29am

I remembered my lunch today. (Yesterday's non-crisis was solved by a quick trip to the local Mollie Stone's for pita bread and hummus.) Maybe that's a good sign, I don't know. What I really wish I'd brought yesterday was the Rescue Remedy, since the negative portent came true in the form of a rather unpleasant talk with The Boss about my future with the company. He has this way of being both encouraging and demeaning in the same breath, saying he thinks I'm intelligent and capable and would be perfect for this other position in the company, then describing scenarios in which I inevitably fuck up. When I object, he always tells me to calm down. Because, you know, I'm being a hysterical woman and all. (Which, in a sick way, is encouraging. not once in the six months I've been here has there been anything resembling a pronoun slip, a veiled-or-otherwise reference to me being a tranny, anything like that.)

He also doesn't want me to do any training or research into the position while I'm at work—if I want to "take the initiative," he says, I should do it on my own time. Between my desire not talk about my personal life and the fact that objecting would have cast me in a bad light, I didn't tell him I don't have time away from work, that I need my time away from work to be spent doing other things. To sum up metaphorically, if dramatically, it feels like he's telling me I should fly for him while refusing to pay to unclip my wings. He claims, however, that if in a few weeks I've learned what I need to know, the position is mine. I told him I was worried that I would do all the work and get myself trained, and he wouldn't give me the job. He assured me that wouldn't happen. Oddly, he didn't sound at all offended by me suggesting that he was a liar. Kelly says he likes it when people stand up to him, call him on his bullshit. I think I may have scored a few points, I don't know.

It helps that the two people I'd be working under, including the cute Bill Pullman-esque boy, are supportive of me getting the position. The Boss insists he'd be "shoving me down their throats" if he promoted me, that they would perceive it as purely his idea and bitch and moan loudly. That, he insists, is "just the way people are." Indeed, I took "took the initiative" and spoke to them before the talking to The Boss. Which, of course, bothered him. Seems I took too much initiative. I'm learning to loathe that word.

Towards the end of the discussion, I asked if there was any hope of me getting a pay raise while remaining in my current position. I'd made several less-than-veiled references to the the fact that Maddy's unemployment is about to run out and she hasn't been able to get a job in spite of all the interviewing. He said he'd talk to his accounting person. An hour later, he told me that starting with the next pay period, I'd be getting a raise. He was a tad vague with the details—figuring out how I'm paid is like an algebra word problem—but it sounds like it'll be enough to cover rent. This is without necessarily moving on to the other position, which I still hope happens. It all has a slight Faustian tinge, but even Faust had to buy cat food.

2:25pm

The slightly delayed (but not at all missed) "favorite movies of the year" list. Which is not the same thing as the "best." Whatever the best movie was, I probably didn't see it, and I'll bet you didn't either. For as many movies are produced every year, the odds are actually against the best one (if such a thing can be defined, which it can't) getting wide distribution. One of these, perhaps. And, since someone's surely thinking it: yes, fine, I'm only saying that because I didn't see Return of the King, which is without a doubt the best movie of the year, and I shouldn't be such a snob. Happy?

My slightly arbitrary favorites were Far From Heaven, Winged Migration and Gerry—movies which, at the time, really made me feel like I was having a unique experience. These weren't the only ones (Spider comes to mind), but I saw so few movies this year, I figured I should keep it short. Maybe if I'd seen over a hundred, I could justify a top ten list. Oh, honorary mention from last year (since I didn't see until well into this year) is Soderbergh's Solaris.

The rest of the movies I saw this year, most of which didn't suck either: By Hook or By Crook, Bubba Ho-Tep, Dirty Pretty Things, Finding Nemo, He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, House of 1000 Corpses, The Italian Job, Lost in La Mancha, The Magdalene Sisters, A Mighty Wind, Monster, Naqoyqatsi, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Power and Terror: Noam Chomsky In Our Times, Rise Above: The Tribe 8 Documentary, Southern Comfort, Spellbound, Spider, 28 Days Later, Unprecedented, Urban Warrior and Whale Rider. Wheee.

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Monday, 5 January 2004 (another tricky day)
8:50am

Back at the office. I left my lunch at home.

It's not a huge crisis. There are places nearby where I can get food, some of it halfway decent. I won't starve. It's just an icky portent.

2:40pm

The first week of September '01, I was putting together a mix CD which included Willie Nelson's cover of Paul Simon's "American Tune." By the end of the second week, amidst the wave of pseudo-patriotism, I'd pulled the song. It has yet to find its way onto any other compilation. I'm actually still fond of it—it's dark, beautiful, and not exactly a flag-waving ode to patriotism—and yet it's just never felt right to me after The Great Overshadowing.

Anyway, while a lot of us were heartbroken when Willie teamed up with crypto-fascist Ford huckster Toby Keith, all is forgiven: he's released an anti-war song. He's even said he hopes the song causes a backlash with conservative country music fans. Aw yeah. That's my boy. I'll bet Toby never speaks to him again.

don't know a soul who's not been battered
don't have a friend who feels at ease
don't know a dream that's not been shattered
or driven to its knees

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Sunday, 4 January 2004 (bye bye butterfly)
9:40am

A few months back, a kittypr0n DV master disappeared. I couldn't find it in the apartment or the car, and it wasn't at the studio. I came to the unpleasant conclusion that I'd lost in transport somewhere, perhaps when I was getting other things out of the trunk of the car. Then, last night when I was dropping off the tapes for broadcast this month, it was returned to me. It had been at the studio all along, even though they'd said before that it wasn't. I didn't ask what happened. I don't really care. It slipped through a crack, and now it's returned. And, while I wouldn't want to lose any of them, it included the episode with Michelle and Rocco's cat Petunia. Sort of a sentimental favorite with us. And now it's back. Yay.

Official photos from Hitch-hiker's Guide are up. Good lord, but my hands are huge.

11:55pm

Me at K'vetch tonight: crash, thud, klunk. Just goes to show that I'm usually not as clever as I'd like to believe.

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Saturday, 3 January 2004 (separation of church and hate)
4:22pm

What I've long considered the most emotionally powerful scene in Thelma and Louise, an example of the screenplay's strength, is one nobody ever talks about. Susan Sarandon covers boyfriend Michael Madsen's eyes, and asks him what color hers are. I've always suspected that if I was in a similar situation, I'd give the wrong answer. Eye color is just not one of those things that registers with me, though it ought to. I have no excuse.

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Friday, 2 January 2004 (endless drone of madness)
7:55am

We did the ecstasy on Monday night. Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't quite that. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but it felt more like acid than I was anticipating. Which is fine, since I love acid. Of course, we had the blacklights on and were listening to things like Pink Floyd's Ummagumma and Peter Gabriel's Passion, my usual acid accoutrements, so I don't know, that might have had something to do with it. We were watching Finding Nemo while coming on, and I have to admit, I appreciated the movie a lot more this time around.

Anyway, I never quite got those happy squishy "All is right with the world" feelings I've heard so much about, although I did get a bit more touchy-feely than usual, at least early on. But I was a little disappointed, however ersatz it would have been. I would have known that it was chemically induced, but I also know that when the walls and ceiling move on acid that it's not real, but I enjoy that all the same.

For various reasons we haven't yet identified, it affected Maddy differently, and took longer. Her and I are in sync on the things that really matter, but it would be nice for certain little things like that, too. Maybe next time. In that respect, I do consider it to be a successful experiment, since there will be a next time; it was positive enough to warrant further exploration someday.

We resisted the temptation to just veg on Tuesday, and travelled out into the world. Ended up at the Serramonte Mall. That felt about as far away from our safe little druggy enclave of the night before as we could possibly get. I had the feeling of disconnect that I often get after tripping, but other times as well: do I really exist in the same world as you people? how is it we can even breathe the same air? It wasn't snideness or superiority, just alienness. Otherwise, there was no major comedown, probably due to the vitamins and 5HTP we'd stocked up on beforehand. I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say I've been chipper these last few days, but it hasn't been anything I can trace back to the MDMA, either. More like an entirely too familiar sense of dread.

8:44am

Wanna know what it is? I used to get this feeling when I went to school, on the last Friday of a vacation. By tonight around 5pm it'll just be another weekend, and by Sunday evening it'll just be another night, and on Monday morning I go back, and I don't wanna go back. But go back, I must. Maybe he'll be in a good mood, and I'll tell him how Maddy's unemployment is about to run out and she's been interviewing like mad but nobody's hiring, and he'll realize I've been there six months, and I won't have to make a bluff which I can't afford to have him call...

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Thursday, 1 January 2004 (the end of primitive thought)
11:48am

Maybe the things that I want to be different will change, and the things I like will stay the same.

7:14pm

I've mostly been at the computer today, working on various writing projects, managing to modify a journal entry into a piece to read at K'vetch on Sunday (although it's lacking an ending, never my strong suit) as well as pounding out the first two scenes of my Twilight Zone script. I'd hoped to accompliush more than that, but I'm not really suprised. (An unexpected phone conversation with Dana, the first time we've really spoken in over two years, was a nice diversion.) I also have to write a piece of religious literature by Wednesday for the revived writing group, and I'd like to have a new piece of erotica to read at Perverts Put Out!, a week from Saturday. Of course, I say "new" like I have old erotica, when I really don't have any. Like endings, it isn't my strong suit. Maybe I can combine the two, a piece of erotic religious literature. Jesus/Judas slash, something like that.

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